My Wife And Frigidity

I am sure that there are some husbands out there who have had or are are having issues with their wives and frigidity.
My Wife and I met when we were at the University. We met at a fellowship. I had noticed her immediately. She was unlike the other girls. She was usually alone. She was very participatory in the question and answer sessions during fellowships and her comments were always well thought out. After watching her from afar, for about half a semester I decided to make friends with her. As a “brother” I didn’t want to give the impression that I wanted to take advantage of her and then run away.

We became friends and somewhere along the line, we became fond of each other. When people say they slept and dreamt about their future spouse I can’t say for sure if it really happened to them, but I can say with all certainty that it happened to the both of us. I heard a voice, I saw her in a white flowing dress. Although I couldn’t say for sure whether it Beatrice or not. Beatrice had a similar dream. There was no doubt that we were handpicked for each other. We had many similar interests. I made a few attempts to hold her hand, give her a hug or hold her close to express how much I loved her. Looking back now, I see that I didn’t take note of how she seemed irritated by affection. She would often say that such things would lead us into temptation and that there was no need to rush into them, since we were going to end up as Man & Wife. She was right. I agreed.

We both finished School and NYSC at the same time. I was able to redeploy my posting to the state she was in. and we got to see each other every day. As the days went by it was clear that if we didn’t get married soon, I would fall into a temptation or temptations. The ladies just seemed to more attracted to a man that was not available. My Beatrice preached abstinence and prayer. I put in all my best and tried not to upset her or backslide.

Our families were introduced and everything was set up for the union. The wedding ceremony was lovely. I had just gotten a good job in an oil company a month before. I was in heaven! My body shook imagining how she would feel on the wedding night. She kept smiling at me. I smiled back.

All was set in the wedding suite. It was a 4 star Hotel in Lagos. There were red Petals from the door to the bed, nice soft music played in the background, Champagne was in the cooler et al. My body was on fire, well not my entire body, just a particular area. I didn’t know where to start from. Whether to kiss or hold her or what. I didn’t notice then that she was still. She had her arms folded under her breasts in her sexy lacy nightdress. I had been waiting for this! Her breasts looked untouched, unfondled . This sight moved me the more. I decided to start with the preliminaries and made a move to unwrap my Queen from her nightwear. If this was a cartoon she would have had on Iron clad underpants with a huge brass padlock over it. The woman had on underwear! I said softly ‘” Honey, please take this off, or do you want me to help with it?”

“Noooo” she shouted, as she jumped off the bed. I’ll do it myself”. She went into the bathroom and came back wrapped in a towel. I was amazed and not sure whether to laugh or not. She switched off the lights and asked me close my eyes as she took the towel off and slid into the bed beside me.

Before I became Churchious, I had been a man about town. I knew about women’s biology. I had enough experience. I would be gentle with my Queen. The anxiety was killing me. As  we were strangers in this department, I had to be creative and try our different options  to see which one would catch her fancy. I got to the point of “no idea” like in a quiz. She didn’t respond at all. All I heard was her breathing. She struggled with me to keep her thighs close together. At this point I could no longer hold it. I went in. the whole 9 yards. After it was over, she got up, hissed and went to the bathroom. The next few days after were hell. She would be dotting and loving during the day and be completely un co-operative at night. She always had an excuse as to why she could not oblige me. Today it was her stomach, tomorrow it would be a headache. She would insist that we pray several hours into the night.

The trend continued. I found myself almost forcing myself on her. It was clear that she had no interest in sex or sex with me.

Its been 4 years of unfeeling sex. I am getting to the end of the rope and prayer cannot solve this. I have dragged my wife to counselling in church and it almost became an issue at the family meeting. She did the same thing all the time. She would beg and cry and promise to change. After the counselling she would tell me, when we were on our own, that I could not make her do it against her will. She refused to change.

I ran into my friend who is a lawyer. I was happy to unburden my heart to him. After my narration, he looked me in the eye and asked if there was another woman in my life and whether I still loved her and whether she had any history of rape or abuse as a younger girl. He asked whether I’d taken out time to find out why she had such a dislike for sex and intimacy. He wondered whether she was so sexually inexperienced and had not discovered herself. All of a sudden it hit me that I’d been thinking of myself all of this time and I’d been accusing her of doing the same thing.

He didn’t have to counsel me for too long. I knew what to do. It’s amazing how much hold the “Manhood” has on a Man. I had forgotten my ‘do unto others as you will have them do unto you”. The talk with my wife was very long indeed. The more I asked,the more she revealed. Over the next few days of talking -really talking, I understood why she had been like that. When she was 12, an older cousin who had lived with her family since she was a baby, raped her and threatened to say that she had seduced him several times and that she’s been sleeping around the neighbourhood  with anybody who did as little as to wink at her. She was devastated and couldn’t tell her parents what had  happened to her. In fact she couldn’t tell anyone. He parents only noticed that their daughter had become more reserved than before. They took it that she was older and that maturity was the cause. Years after her cousin had left their house she heard that he was involved in a fatal motor accident on his way to pick up his call up letter and lost his life.

The feeling of shame and worthlessness stayed with her till she got to university where she joined the “Lovers of Jesus” fellowship, which gave her a shield of protection and Love. The rest is history. Days after the revelation I realised that we were just getting to know each other. I now understood the issue of my wife and frigidity.

All I can say is that with each day that passes, I am coming to love her more and more as I help her discover more and more of who she is and who she can become.

Alex

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I envision Hilda’s Shoulder to be a relationship park-a place you go to learn, vent and share. I have another understanding of the word relationship -I don’t think it is for people dating only. A marriage is a relationship too, and one which needs great rela- tions in the SHIP called home!
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