So much for being sharp…
Yesterday was crazy. I laughed so hard that my cheeks ached! I met up with friends and somehow we got talking about relationships. The men had their own fair share of gists about women they had dated in the past that were too smart for their own good. They categorised them into the “I never chops”, the “Ovillas”, the “University runs girls”, the “wannabes”, the “Omo-Mummies”, The “Sisi-mamas”, The Alhaja types” and the “married women who don’t give a “French *#@%” type.
The women also did their categorising of men. There are the Casanova types, the Alhaji types, the janded returnees, the Oil company or bank boy type, the alatika type with “h” or ‘s” factor, the trader type, the Omo-Alhaja type, the club/party freak type, the aristo and the Mama’s boy type.
One of the men told us his story. I want to share it with you. I will try to use his words as best as I can. Please, please, please! This is a real account, not fiction. So read and learn.
I met Jennifer just after NYSC. As a fine boy, I didn’t have any issues getting women. I had gone to my University to get my transcript and was on my way out of campus when I saw her. We were on opposite sides of the road. She was dark like chocolate, had a lovely figure, good height too… my spec! I crossed over to her side and brought up a story about having met her before. She uncoded my lies, we laughed and exchanged numbers. Four months after we became lovers.
She was everything I wanted. She knew how to drive a man crazy in bed. I had a big portrait of her in my room. I’d stare at it for long intervals with a smile when she wasn’t around. The only thing I wasn’t happy about was that she had to travel very often, as she was in her final year at the University. She always complained about never having enough money, but never asked me directly. I was yet to get a job, so I wasn’t able to give her much.
My mother and sister couldn’t stand her. They said she looked rough and was not the type of girl I should have been with. I didn’t care. Sometimes it looked as if Jennifer would quarrel with me deliberately. Some of our fights were petty and meaningless. She would leave and stay away for weeks until we made up. On more than one occasion, I’d seen a copy of Western Union receive form popping out of her bag. She was quick to say that the money was sent by her uncle in the UK to her mother and that because her mother didn’t have ID, it made better sense to send the money to her to give to her mother. After this I stumbled on an email she sent to a man. She signed it off with hugs and kisses. She denied any wrong doing and convinced me that it was her uncle and that they were quite chummy.
I had a birthday party. I was anxious to show her off to my friends. I spent the better part of the day craning my neck at the entrance to see if she had come. I had expected her to come early so she could do all the girlfriend things – you know, help cook and supervise, etc.
There was a lady in the neighbourhood that had an obvious crush on me ever since I moved into the area. When she saw me carrying in crates of drinks into my flat, she offered to help and asked if it was my birthday. We chatted a little and then she left. To my surprise she came back with 2 of her friends carrying a cake, cards and gift. She went into “wife mode” taking over the show and being a great hostess. My friends made faces and seemed to suggest that I should start a friendship with her.
Jennifer walked in at 5.00pm. I didn’t reply when she said hello. She dragged me to my room and gave me a cock and bull story about narrowly missing death. She gave me a large singing card as my gift and kissed me. She pressed her body and lips on me. She knew how to turn on my “Mumu button”. All was forgiven and forgotten.
After having several bottles in the club some weeks after, Jennifer and I were half drunk, half tipsy. We got to my room and I just more or less passed out on the bed. She must have thought I was asleep because she reached into the drawer where I keep money and took some notes and put them into her bag. I feigned sleep and even snored loudly. She took money from my room from time to time without asking.
You know how many Nigerian girls are, they like to cut show. A nice looking penniless guy supplies the love, the Aristo Alhaji supplies the money and the boyfriend in diaspora supplies both. This seemed to be Jennifer’s game. I was her Magga. One of the guys who attended my birthday party had called me a few days after and downloaded Jennifer’s dirty gist. I made my own findings and found them to be true. She had been dating her “away” boyfriend for 2years. Word was that they planned to get married. Apparently on one of his trips to Nigeria, he knocked her up. She thought it would bring the wedding date closer. Wrong! The away guy denied the paternity of the pregnancy and left. Worse still, she found out that he was married with children.
Unfortunately for her she was pregnant with twins. The shame must have been unbearable for her because she left town and went to live with relatives somewhere in north. She had the twins there.
When her children were about 9 months old she came back to Lagos looking her old self. She came looking for me. She told me that she’d been trying to set up a business in Abuja and that it didn’t work out and that she was back to stay. She left out the twins in all our talk. She didn’t know I knew. She became a reformed Jennifer; she bought stuff for my Mom and sister and did many things she didn’t do before. Gradually, she started putting suppositions to me about my view on relationships between single Moms and men. I visited her a few times but did not yield to her pressures for sex. I told her I needed time.
One Saturday she called me up and insisted that I come over to her place. This Saturday coincided with the day I was to get married. Church was for noon. I was still at her place for 10.00am. We talked about getting back together and I hurriedly left, telling her that I was a friend’s best man and I didn’t want to be late for church. We agreed to see each other later in the day. By 3.00pm, I was seated beside the woman who had just become my wife.
I heard 2 weeks later on my return from my honeymoon, that when Jennifer was told that I had gotten married two Saturdays before, she fainted! So much for being sharp!