Our Nubie Nigerian Wife

A New Nigerian wife – a few months into marriage is no different from the hundreds of millions of wives before her.

She hopes for the best and prays that her marriage is one of those that will work. Truth be told, if she has not done some homework (iwadi), or been a little bit of a bad girl, she may begin to see another side of Hubby – not necessarily a bad side. She muses over this new side and playfully shoos it away as boyish. She wants them to be the ideal church – going, nothing to hide duo.

This Nigerian newbie wife finds out quickly that the greater part of working this marriage, lies in her hands.

She finds, he finds too, that a sleepover (kwanan gida) is not the same as having a husband or wife come home to you every day. They contort themselves to a form that they both feel society wants them to take.

A husband whose stomach is full and testicles empty is not a magic wand for his being a good husband or a faithful one at that! It does not guarantee a happy marriage.
I am yet to see an anus that will not cooperate with soft faeces to expel it when the time comes.

So how do you manage your new status and expectations without mounting the pressure on yourself and your spouse? You quickly conclude that If he /she does not do A or B, then he or she is like this or like that.
Marriage is for humans not cyborgs or robots. There is no perfect person. So no perfect marriage.

If you are determined to remain in your marriage come hell or high water, then get yourself a hard hat, a flash light, a pair of boots, a box of tissue and a notebook. What do you think you need these for?

A hard hat – For trying times because they will come. The hard hat will protect you from flying objects. This could be your faith or your tough resolve.
A flash light- You may need to look deeper into things before you jump to conclusions
Boots- To handle murky or sticky matters and where you need to stomp, you do just that!
A box of tissue – Is to wipe your husband’s sweat after a hard day’s work and to wipe your tears because, there will be some from happiness and some from pain.
A notebook – What school have you ever attended that didn’t require you to take notes? You will keep learning. You will learn some bits of your husband’s language. Where you don’t speak the same language. You will learn to read him. You will learn to work on and with your in-laws. You will learn to balance (outwardly) your love for your family and his. His family is now your family. You will need to learn how to cook his favourite native soup if you don’t know how to cook it.
You will learn, re-learn and unlearn. Keep your notebook handy.

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I envision Hilda’s Shoulder to be a relationship park-a place you go to learn, vent and share. I have another understanding of the word relationship -I don’t think it is for people dating only. A marriage is a relationship too, and one which needs great rela- tions in the SHIP called home!
Hilda’s Shoulder is a place where we virtually hold hands like - real friends should. If you want to come anonymously...we understand ..still come! Hilda’s shoulder is here for you!


Dear Hilda, is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
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