I’m Confused; Should I Marry Him?

Hello Hilda,

I’m so exasperated! I met a wonderful man on the plane when I was coming back from my last holiday. We must have talked for over 90% of the 8 hour trip, and like me he was single. He has 4 children. He looked and talked like someone I could have a very serious relationship with. For some reasons, we didn’t call or text each other much after we got back to Lagos.

After several months, the communication started. After some months of the getting to know you game, he said it was time to meet his kids. I wasn’t ready for this leap but he so insistent. For me, it was like a scene in ‘sound of music’ when the Von trap children stood in line to greet their Dad. The oldest one looked like he was 18 and the youngest one a boy looked like age 3 or 4. They all smiled at me sweetly. The first few days were not bad at all and slowly I decided to give the kids a chance. I saw them very often and sometimes their Dad and I took them out to fun places.

Some months ago, their Dad had to go on a course for 3 weeks. He said there was no one else to help watch the kids apart from the Nanny and maid, and he said he wasn’t comfortable with leaving the children alone with the help. I insisted I would not sleep over, but after he begged so much I gave in. The “sweet” children gave me respite for 2 days and thereafter made my stay uncomfortable! The Nanny and maid must have thought I had come to spy on them and that eventually when I become their madam I would do away with them. When I call either of them to ask of the children’s welfare they would respond rudely with ‘na so Oga say make we do am”. I would call on them several times and they would not answer. When they made meals, they never asked what I’d like to eat and they’d leave it on the dining table without letting me know food was ready. It must be something they all agreed on because the children behaved the same way. When I talk to them except for the 4 year old who was too young to understand, the others would hiss and walk away.

I have tried all the tactics I know to get them to talk to me, but all to no avail. They leave ‘we hate you’ notes regularly on my bed. I had a run in with the 18 year old one morning. She was wearing a seductive pair of shorts and a crop top. She looked indecent. I called her and asked for us to see in her Dad’s study. She let me talk and when I was done, she reminded me that I was not her mother and that she would make sure her Dad and I broke off our relationship. She rained curses on me and called me a gold digger.

After their Dad got back I narrated all that had happened but his explanation was that the children were still traumatized by their Mother’s death and that they didn’t mean to behave the way they did and that they would change. The children had perfected the art of pretense whenever their Father was around. They’d be nice to me when he was there and become rude to me when was not.

I’m looking at my life. I have my own business. I’m not doing too badly. The Guy is any woman’s dream. He works in an oil company. He is very benevolent. He recently bought me a car and has plans to buy me a small house. He said that after I marry him the small house will become my office. Everything is set and looks good except for his kids.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life with this misery. Please tell me what to do?

Confused, ABUJA.

 

Dear Confused,

I like the fact that you have done your benefit analysis regarding your Man. I assume you do not have children of your own yet? If you decide to be positive and marry him you need to be aware of the following:

  1. His Children will always come first and he will expect you to love them the way he does.
  2. I believe you will still want to have your own child or children? In many cases, you may or may not treat your child differently. This may strain your relationship with him and his kids.
  3. You should do whatever is necessary to have his kids love you.
  4. If he suddenly lost all his wealth and could not get another job would you be able to support him and the entire family?
  5. X-Ray the real reason for wanting to marry him. If they are not genuine, for love’s sake don’t go any further with him. Marriage is a lifelong commitment.

 

Take care,

Hilda

 

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I envision Hilda’s Shoulder to be a relationship park-a place you go to learn, vent and share. I have another understanding of the word relationship -I don’t think it is for people dating only. A marriage is a relationship too, and one which needs great rela- tions in the SHIP called home!
Hilda’s Shoulder is a place where we virtually hold hands like - real friends should. If you want to come anonymously...we understand ..still come! Hilda’s shoulder is here for you!


EXCLUSION CLAUSE

Dear Hilda, is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
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