How Do I Tell My Husband I Can’t Have A Child Because Of Me

Hilda Call me 902, I walked out of the board room just after the meeting and my phone rang. It was my Husband we’d been married for 2 and half years (We had no kids) his words where short and sharp “Hi Mom is coming to spend time with us, talk to you later”. I had wanted to say something but he’s dropped the phone.

I guess he called so that I’d close from early work to cook his mother a special meal. These days that was the trend of conversation it was short and straight to the point, at home it was even worse. We barely talked. I did try but he just replied with mono syllables.

Every time I remember a month before our wedding when Toye had said we should meet up for dinner after work and bare all before he got hitched. He said he didn’t care even if I had slept with his brother and father. He wanted us to be plain and open to each other without secrets. He talked and talked and gave me one exposé after another. I wasn’t really listening. He nudged me and said it was my turn. I dabbled here and there about one or two incongruous relationships (I held on to all my secret) I could not bare all! We got married thereafter.

My Mother in-law’s visit was the same. She would always ask whether God had done it and I would always reply “Mama, God will do it in his time” she would snort and sneer and go ”hmm It is well”.

Now back to my secret. When I was in the University things were really tough for my Parents, all they could give me was my tuition and a little spending money. I lived of roommates and classmates. I met this Guy who seemed to be very loving and caring. He’d buy me provisions and food stuff,  he was also topped of his class and everything seemed perfect. I fell in deep love and moved in to his place off campus. I left the room where I was squatting without so much as a good bye, and went to live with him. Much of my time after classes was spent cooking for him and his friends. He had been violent on and off and often flogged me with a broom in the nude if I came back to the room too long after classes were over. I often forgave him because he’d be sorry thereafter and almost cry apologising. After a few months I noticed that I became pregnant. When I told him, he said he could see that I wanted to derail him from achieving a first class. He kicked me out and threw my things out on the street. I went back to my Landlady and begged for forgiveness. I had to lie to my classmates that I had typhoid fever so that they would help me with money. They did. I quickly went to have it “sorted out”.

He and I did not speak for one semester. After we resumed for a new semester he kept sending friends to  me begging for me to take him back. After much pressure and much against the advice of my landlady I went back to him. For a while he controlled himself and then resumed the beating and then made me pregnant the second time. I was about 2 month gone this time. He kicked me several times when I told him. I don’t know how I got to Hospital but I think I must have fainted.

I woke up and was told by the Doctor that I’d been asleep for 3 days. I had had a nasty beating that was so bad that they had to evacuate the baby. Worse still, the beating had ruptured my womb. I would not be able to have another child. I wailed. Thinking how I can’t have a child anymore. It was John who took me to Hospital and never came back. I sent word home that I was in admission and made up a sad story. My parents sent me enough to cover my hospital bill.

That was then, how do I tell my husband, who is a perfect gentleman, well-endowed in every way but the big family he always wanted was just a mirage, that I can’t have a child. I have found many ways to dodge taking a medical test with my husband because I don’t want my secret leaked. Hilda my man has a terrible temper and he will not forgive me for lying to him. Please what do I do?

Thanks

Worried 902

 

Dear worried 902, I’m so  glad that you have a conscience and I perceive that you want to come clean. If you continue to lie, your husband may decide any day now that  you should both go for a medical check. What will you say to him when it is discovered that you cannot have children?

Some would say since you have repented, God can perform a miracle. It may be so but a marriage built on a foundation of lies such as this will not go on forever. Even though your Husband has a temper, after you tell him, he would most likely get very angry and say he would never have gotten married to you if you had told him this before. If you are determined to be forgiven you will stick in there and do whatever it takes including possibly ending the marriage if that is what he wants. If it goes well you may both look at adoption as an alternative. Who knows we have heard cases where doctors made such pronouncements and God proved them wrong.

Be prepared, but do not continue with lies. All will be well.

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I envision Hilda’s Shoulder to be a relationship park-a place you go to learn, vent and share. I have another understanding of the word relationship -I don’t think it is for people dating only. A marriage is a relationship too, and one which needs great rela- tions in the SHIP called home!
Hilda’s Shoulder is a place where we virtually hold hands like - real friends should. If you want to come anonymously...we understand ..still come! Hilda’s shoulder is here for you!


EXCLUSION CLAUSE

Dear Hilda, is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let Hildas Shoulder use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.



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